“We’re registered for gifts, but don’t tell anybody, betrothed Indians say”

We’re registered for gifts, but don’t tell anybody, betrothed Indians say

Posted: 06 Mar 2011 08:39 PM PST

STEPHANIE NOLEN

NEW DELHI— From Monday's Globe and Mail

Published Sunday, Mar. 06, 2011 11:07PM EST

Last updated Monday, Mar. 07, 2011 4:08AM EST

If a bride and groom register for the wedding gifts of their dreams, but then are too embarrassed to tell anyone they have a list, are they still to blame if they are given 47 crystal salad bowls?

Such is the etiquette question that vexes modern urban Indian nuptials.

Wedding registries, unknown here just a few years ago, are the hot new thing. Well-to-do young couples are picking out china – and smart phones – at fancy shops and on gifting websites.

More related to this story

But the stigma attached to asking for a gift is so intense that few of them dare tell their parents or older guests that they have registered.

"A bridal list is the most practical way to do things," said Isha Siraj Kedia, CEO of a gift-list website called Lamhe. "But the resistance we're finding is, a couple makes a list and then their parents ask them not to share it." She gave a small sigh. "This sounds ridiculous, but we're setting it up with Facebook – then you can tell your friends and your parents don't have to know."

A typical Indian wedding invitation bears some variation on the phrase "Your blessings our only gift." But many guests, especially close friends and family, will bring a present anyway. Traditional gifts include saris, brassware, crystal or silver bowls, sheets and towels. The open secret is that many of these will be the very saris or brass Ganesh statues that the gifters received at their own weddings, and which may have cycled through an unknown number of weddings before.

But with many more young people today setting up house together, rather than moving in with the groom's parents as was traditionally done, there is a new need for home furnishings. In addition, middle-class Indians have a rapacious hunger for upscale electronics and high-end brands: The three most commonly listed items on Wishberry, another gifting site, are iPhones and BlackBerries; Blu-Ray DVD players and vouchers for shops such as Aldo and La Senza.

"Everyone wants things they can't afford themselves," founder Prinyaka Agarwal said.

But apparently they can't ask for those things themselves, either. The Wishberry site features a whole section on "spreading the word" to coach couples on how to phrase the news that they have a gift registry. It offers sample content, and suggests a variety of methods to get the word out – since no mother-of-the-bride in the nation would ever allow details of a registry to be included in a wedding invitation, Ms. Agarwal said.

"If you're really shy you get a friend to do it on your behalf. Or your sister sends an e-mail saying, 'My kid sister is getting married, get her what she wants' – and then it's not, 'I'm getting married, get me what I want.' "

The majority of their couples have used a Facebook plug-in on the site, she said. But even so, of every dozen couples that make a list, only two or three ever share it, she said.

Ms. Agarwal launched the site last July, motivated by the experience of her own sister's wedding. "I was very enthusiastic about opening the gifts," she recalled. Until she saw what was in the boxes: one ugly or obviously recycled present after the next. "There was even a Jesus statue – and she was a Hindu getting married to a Jain! That made me think, this needs to stop."

Ms. Agarwal said Wishberry registries seem most popular with young professionals who are "very mobile, very online" and have travelled abroad ("or at least they've seen the idea on Sex and the City") and who are more willing to flout custom.

On Lamhe (which is Hindi for "moments"), couples can ask for "experiences" (such as spa visits and home makeovers) as well as fridges and televisions. A wedding guest can contribute all or part of the cost. The site was created by four Mumbai women who have lived in the United States; their list makers (and list hiders) are all 25- to 30-year-olds from suburbs in Mumbai, Ms. Siraj Kedia said.

GoodEarth, a chic home-decor store that is a favourite of the urban middle class, has offered a bridal registry for the past six years. From a bride or two the first few years, they were up to 50 in 2010. Beenu Bawa, spokesperson for the chain, explained that it began when one of their most loyal shoppers saw her sister get married and receive 200 silver bowls. She hoped her own wedding would be different – and since she was marrying a foreigner, she thought a list for guests from his side might be socially acceptable.

The store put together a brief list of decor items for her to send to the foreign guests. But her aunt in Mumbai heard about the list, swept into the store – and bought up everything on it. The startled bride added items, Ms. Bawa recalled. More aunts, more frenzied shopping. "It got competitive: One aunt bought the whole dinner set. And then another aunt bought the same one."

This entry passed through the Full-Text RSS service — if this is your content and you're reading it on someone else's site, please read our FAQ page at fivefilters.org/content-only/faq.php
Five Filters featured article: Comment Is Free But Freedom Is Slavery - An Exchange With The Guardian's Economics Editor.

DVD Software

Monday, March 7, 2011